o0shuLa0o

a W E I R D person with an
U P S I D E D O W N
philosophy in life
i T H I N K not like
A L L of Y O U
does i K E E P mahself to M Y S E L F
i am
M Y S T E R I O U S
N O N E of yah knows about IT
i am N O T what Y O U T H I N K i am
i am S I C K i am MISUNDERSTOOD

i'm
U N P R E D I C T A B L E

i am ..... ME...



Message

I WISH I wer a child again. I wish I cud go back to dos days wen lyf was so simple&all i cared about ws eating,playing and sliping.Then I didn't hav2worry about wat 2morow wud bring bcoz dat was beyond d realm of my thinking. My wants wer so simple &i didn't feel any pressure..i didn't hav to ponder d complexities of lyf.der wer no complications -- just plain & simple satisfaction.Wen I was a child, i could hardly w8t 2 grow up.Now dat i hav grown up, i can't stop wishing 2 become a child again.Had i stil bin a child,i wouldn't b experiencing d pressures of being in college.i wouldn't care f a friend left me.i wouldn't care if my parents wer disappointed w/ me.i wouldn't care if i had no special sum1 i wouldn't wonder wen I wud find one.iwouldn't have fallen in love, cried over d break-up &spent sleepless nyts over it &acquire bitterness, pain and sorrow..
But if i wer still a child,i would stil hav a long way 2 travel juz 2b weri am ryt now.i can't imagine myself experiencing again everythng dat i went through. I wouldn't have experienced the beauty of being in love. I wouldn't have understood what life is all about. I wouldn't have realized the beauty of living. And I wouldn't have understood that living is learning...i like it when it's dark.. i love to go out and be in one with nature... it gives me a sense of solitude.. gives me a sense of peace.. sometimes, constant bright lights blind me, and by staying a while in the dark, i get to be in touch with the person inside of me.. no pretenses... just simply who i am.

I AM A SENTIMENTAL WOMAN AND EXTREMELY SENSITIVE WHEN IT COMES TO A RELATIONSHIP AND MY FEELINGS, I YEARN FOR THE ROMANTIC MOMENTS...LIKE A LITTLE GIRL YEARNING FOR A CANDY...

Contact Me

Apr 12, 2005

penge kausap!!!

umaga na pala... nakausap ko ung tao na akala ko nde ko na magagawang kausapin...
malabong pag-uusap pero napakalinaw... sa mga nagdaang panahon, nde ko akalain na muli ko xang makakausap... ang daming nagbago... ang daming naiba... pero may hadlang sa pag-uusap namen... pagiging "ilang" nde naman maiiwasan yun e lalo na at isa siya sa mga tao na nagpabago sa aken...

ang paghihiwalay namin ang dahilan kung bakit naging bato ang puso ko... isang karamdamang hindi magagmot kahit ng sino pang magaling at may pangalan ng doktor... isang karamdamang bumalot sa pagkatao ko... lumayo ako sa kanya at hindi na muling nilingon pa... isang pagpapakita ng karupukang umikot sa buhay ko...

lumiwanag lahat ng makausap ko siya kaninang umaga... andun paren ung sakit pero nde ko maikakaila... umaasa pa rin ako... ang sakit ay napalitan ng pag-asa... ng "pagmamahal"???
cguro nga.... nde ko dn alam... matagal na akong walang pakialam sa nararamdaman ko... sa pagkikitungo ko sa iba... nde ko na alam marahil kung ano ako at ano siya....

isa lng ang nde ko lubos maisip... may halaga parin ba ako sa kanya?
baket ko pa ba siya iniisip?

lecheng buhay to....
akala ko matapang na ako...

o0shuLa0o
1517H
12 April 2005

Posted at 12:12 am by o0shuLa0o
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Mar 29, 2005

...iSANG LiHAM...

red red red... hi wala lng.. email lang... wala na xe kong magawa e, papagod na kong mag-isip kaya eto... kokomprontahin na kita... aaminin ko na ulet... gusto kita... gustong gusto kita... sa maiksing panahon na pinagsamahan naten, nagawa mong mapahulog ng "mabilis" ang loob ko sayo... oo, kagaya mo rin ako na madaling matisod at madapa pero hindi ako takot sabihin ang tunay kong nararamdaman... oo mabilis at talagang wala sa lugar pero kahit anong gawin kong pagpupumigil, lalong sumisidhi ang aking nararamdaman...

ang totoo nian, nde dapat ako ang kasama ni papa uuwi kaya lang nagpumilit ako... muli, tatakbuhan ko ang problemang kinahaharap ko ngaun... at ikaw yun... nde naman kasi ako matatag e,,, rumurupok ako sa tuwing nanjajan ka na.. nde ko alam kung bakit pro yun ang talagang nangyayari... huwag mo sanang isiping iiwan kitang mag-isa sa problema mo, kaya lng kung hindi ko gagawin to, ikaw mismo ang mahihirapan... hindi ka magkakaroon ng payapang pag-iisip...

kung iniisip mo na aalis ako tama ka... hindi ko alam kung hangang kailan at kung hanggang saan ang kayang kong paglayo sa iyo, ang sigurado mo lang ay kailangan kong gawin ito... para saken... at para SAYO... nasasaktan na ako sa mga nangyayari... hindi mo alam sinasaktan mo ako sa maraming bagay... yung pagtawag mo sa akin ng "Friend" pilit kong isinasaksak sa sarili ko na "Friends" nga lang tayo pero ikaw din mismo ang nagpapakita at nagpapadama na hindi lang "Friends" and namamagitan sa ating dalawa...

ang pagsulat mo ang pinakadahilan kung bakit kita nagustuhan... at sa tingin ko ngayon... iyon din ang dahilan kung bakit kita lalayuan... ayokong maging eksperimento lamang sa dokumentaryo mo... gusto kong maging parte ng mga pangarap sa sinabi mo... gusto kong maging bahagi ng buhay mo... isang bagay na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin naiintindihan kung bakit...

araw-araw kitang nakakausap sa telepono, alam mo na halos anong tinatakbo ng buhay ko... mula sa paborito kong ekspresyon hanggang sa mga bagay tulad ng mumunti kong pangarap ... ang pag-uusap natin ang nagbukas ng buhay mo saken at buhay ko sa iyo... isang pag-uusap na nauwi sa pagkakakilanlan ko sa taong gusto kong makasama habang buhay... "Gusto sana kitang makasama sa dalampasigan" isang linyang matagal ko ng gustong ipadinig sa iyo ngunit pinanghihinaan ako ng kalooban... isang linyang hindi ko na mababanggit kailanman...

hindi na kita pahihirapang muli at hindi ko na paaasahin ang sarili kong matutupad mo lahat ng pangakong binitiwan mo pero huwag kang mag-alala... akong yung taong may isang salita... lahat ng isimumpa kong salita'y paninindigan ko... mula sa pagboboy friend hanggang sa pag-aaral ay gagawin ko... ngunit ngayon... hindi na para sa iyo kundi para sa sarili ko... lalayo ako ngunit hindi ako mag-iiwan ng salita... tanging ang liham na ito ang tanging pruweba ng aking paglisan... ng aking katangahan... isang desisyon na masakit man sa kalooban ay para naman sa iyong kapayapaan at sa iba'y kaligayahan...

sa totoo lang hindi talaga kita kilala... matagal-tagal din tayong nag-uusap pero hindi ko parin matukoy kung sino ka at anong motibo mo sa paglapit mo sa akin... isang taong walang mukha... isang aninong puno ng misteryo... isang estrangherong nagumilatan ng diwa ko... puro salita at pangako ang tanging ibinigay mo sa akin pero hindi ko parin lubos maisip na sa iyo ako'y nahumaling... pero ganun talga e... wala na akong magagawa... MAHAL NA KITA... aios no? sa isang estranghero ipinagkatiwala ko ang aking puso... anlabo... pero sobrang linaw...

hindi ako nagsisisi na nakilala kita... kahit sa sandaling panahon ay nakilala ko ang taong matagal ko ng hinahanap...sana matagal na kitang nakilala... sana sayo ko nalang naibigay ang aking unang halik... sana... sana... sana... pero kung mas maaga tayong nagkakilala mauuwi din kaya sa ganito ang lahat?...

ang sarap mong magmahal at ang sarap mong mahalin... pero ang katulad mo ay ibabalik ko na lamang sa aking pangarap... isang pangarap na kailanman ay hindi na muling maisasabuhay sa realidad...

kalilimutan na kita... sa gagawin kong ito, papatayin kong muli ang aking puso... mananaig ulit ang aking pagiging bato... paxenxa na hindi na kita sinabihan... magiging patalim lamang ang mga salitang bibitiwan mo sa akin... hindi ko kayang madinig muli ang iyong mga hikbi sa aking paglisan...

patawad sa aking pagiging sakim... patawad sa karupukang ipinapakita ko... patawad sa lahat ng pagkukulang ko... patawad hindi kita kayang samahan sa laban na kinahaharap mo ngayon... patawad binigo kita... patawad...

ang paglisan ko'y mitsa ng katapusan ngunit kung ako ay iyong susundan... muli, ako ay babalik sa iyong kandungan at hindi na lilisan kailanman....

"kung ibig mo akong makilala, lumipad ka hanggang utak, sumisid ka hanggang buto, umilanglang ka hanggang kaluluwa... hubad ako roo mula ulo hanggang paa."

red mahal kita... mahal na mahal kita...

paalam na...

-shiela robeth-

o0shuLa0o

31 march 2005

0155H

Posted at 10:19 pm by o0shuLa0o
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Aug 24, 2004

o0shuLa0o

given a chance to write things up

my pen starts to wtite a crap

scattered words on an empty space

carefully picking the words to be placed

emotions rising as the pen swing

scrutinizing the pain i'm feeling

bitterness patch the hole in my heart

as he intentionally tore it apart

but revenge is out from the truth i speak

really i'm happy i'm out of his trick

sorrowful by the wound he had given me

its easier to heal a scraped and injured knee

but i am strong i need to stand

from where i fell with no helping hands

pieces of light i have slowly seen

as i opened my eyes and follow my dream

leaving this damn situation behind

serves as an experience of a love that is blind

this peice of crap is where my burden ends

outlet of my sorrow that can never be bend

angst is the pillar of the new me

strongly bounded as you can see

coz i'm not the stereotype little girl just like before

whom you can easily break up and tore...

Posted at 07:10 am by o0shuLa0o
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Aug 23, 2004

%angels%

As I was riding my way home, I was sited in front of two special individuals… special not because they are close to me, special in a sense that the two person sitting in front of me are audibly disabled…

they caught my attention by the funny gestures that they are doing… at first I was giggling because of their actions but then I noticed that the two individuals are having a really good conversation… in spite of their deficiencies they amazingly understand each other…

how on earth does these two individuals act as if they are normally capable of hearing good music as I have seen in their smiles? Then suddenly I got inspired to right them an article…

in the middle of the traffic jam in espania and despite of the fact that there is no light guiding my pen I urge to write an article about them… about the angels I’ve seen lighting my life…

I felt an invisible string pulling my cheeks oppositely from one another… I recognize a smile putting upon my oily and ugly face… after a long time of sobbing and feeling empty inside, I experienced again the spirit of happiness and fulfillment… staring at them seems like seeing a light shined upon my path… these two angels opened my mind of being satisfied by the things I have, by the people who loved me and the things I blindedly seen because of depression…

suddenly my pen stops writing,…

my face froze with a smile as I recognize that both of the angels are smiling back at me… one of the angels brings out their cellphone and texted…

after a minute she was handing me her phone together with a hundred peso bill… written at her cellphone was the place where they are about to be loaded off… my angel was asking me to them a favor.. a very easy favor that I wouldn’t want to refuse… with no words coming from her mouth I could utterly hear what she wants me to do…

she was asking me to be her voice…

Half an hour had passed when they left the vehicle and I was still utterly freezes with smile… it seems like my mouth was stuck by a very elastic glue that it doesn’t want to stop smiling at all… many thoughts entered my mind at that moment…

many things cleared out…

I discovered my purpose on why I exist…

I learn to value things more preciously… specially the ones I have…

the two angels showed me to see life beautifully and to spend each minute as audibly as possible…

23 August 2004

2000H

Posted at 11:08 pm by o0shuLa0o
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...angst...

angst... what does this mean? perhaps its what i'm feeling right now... angst... i cnt really describe it but really its really eating the wholeness of me...its dominating my emotions and really it doesnt feel good...

its like im bitter of everything...yes.. bitterness is part of angst and bitterness is aprt of my emotion...

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

i cat really understand what im trying to point out... its just like every single word that comes out from my mind isa a product of loving purely multiplied by the expectancy to be loved back...

but wh does angst dominates my feelings???

i am a woman longing for a attention just like a little girl craving for candy... and what the heck had just happened??? someone doe given me attention... a simple attention that i tend to give my eveything in return...

poor me i had becoem a blind prisoner of love...

oh fuck!!!! im out of my road again!!! people thus call me striong... yes i certainly do! i am one of the chosen one who can pretend so well to hide what's beneath my true emotions and face the consequences of what i have done even though doing such thing is killing me...

is that their expalnation or should i say their logical thinking of being stron??? welll... i really dont think so... why would i bother myself tryign to expalin to them what's the meaning of that damn word...

people really suck! theyre branding individuals as they seen them... not looking what's behind every mask they wear every single day...

some also branded me as "poet"... but the truth is im not!!i dont think i belong to that class where they can express themselves clearly... my way of thinking is really vogue... so unpredictable... so tactless but yet so firm... how dare they to brand me to those kind of people...

I don’t even know my priorities! I’m just a simple girl longing to have a simple life… no long-term goals flashed to my mind… I’m an easy go lucky little girl whose enjoying life like a box of chocolate… many options had been placed upon my feet and I’ll pick up which one does suit my taste well… and oh so unluckily!!! I have picked the most bitter chocolates of all…

a chocolate that uses this young little innocent girl to satisfy his own drive… a chocolate that kills me everyday… just like a poison that runs to every single vein of my system…

I wish this chocolate comes with an antidote nor a first aid to cure me up easily… but it didn’t! (1st wish, yah right!)…

am I getting vogue again??? Well things are always not beyond my control… I’m writing up what just pops out from my mind… I don’t mind if I’m grammatically incorrect nor if this work does not satisfy your expectations…

I just want to voice out what’s been hiding at the back of my mind right at this moment… no mask… no takes… no cuts… it maybe non-sense to you, to them, or to anybody but really… writing this fuck up satisfies me…

I live with my angst and it’s the foundation of my emotions right now… how I wish I could slap this words right through the face of the one who makes me believe that love is perennial as the grass…

well it doesn’t!!! I will stand to my belief that there is no happy ending to a love that felt by only one individual… if “we” means only “I” then there is no “we” at all…

I wish to stab this words right in the center of his heart for him to feel the bitterness kept inside me… (2nd wish!) but wishes don’t really come true…

writing this crap up is the only thing that I can do to release the pain that burns at the peak of the shallow grave of my emotions…

I guess I’m done… I guess I’m really done… thanks for reading such a non-sense piece of shit… thanks for peeking at my world… thanks for peeking at my own fucking world… now I can tore the mask off… now I really can tore my mask off…

now I am “me” again…
peace out!!!

23 August 2004
1600H

Posted at 04:03 pm by o0shuLa0o
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Aug 14, 2004

ang maikling buhay ng apoy

ang gabi'y tahimik at umuulan
kasabay ng patak ang butil ng kasawian
nagtatangis ang pusong naguguluhan
naghahanap ng sagot sa maraming katanungan

bakit busilak ang apoy na pinawalan
inihandog sayo ng walang pakundangan
isang apoy na may malalim na paninindigan
ang tanging hiling ay wag mong pawalan

ngunit panuntunan ng apoy sati'y magkaiba
ang sa iyo'y nakakapaso at nagbabaga
isang apoy na sa akin ay nakakabahala
tiwala at respeto sa sarili koy nawala

pinilit tanggapin ang apoy na hiram
ngunit hindi kinaya ng pusong nagdaramdam
ngayon ang apoy ay unti unting naglalamlam
init na handog ay baka biglang magpaalam

ang diwa'y pilit na isinasagip
isang pagtalikod sa nabuong panaginip
ipauubaya sa hangin ang pagihip
sa realidad nagsusumikap na sumilip

ang gabi'y tahimik at umuulan
ang maikling buhay ng apoy ay nabakasan
isang apoy na dapat muling silaban
ng tapat at busilak na kalooban...

20 july 2004
0935h

Posted at 02:16 am by o0shuLa0o
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